COMING SOON: Peter Pan

Hey y'all, work is crazy, which is normal at this time of year, but I figured I'd post up my next sketch for now as a preview to what's coming next..

Hello again! / Staples Center Guy

Well, after a substantial hiatus from blogging, I had a couple friends encourage me to continue posting, sharing my dating debacles and inner commentary on navigating the sea of (frequently obnoxious) men and life in general with the willing public (aka the few friends I have reading this!) Seeing as how I'm still single and trudging through the mucky trenches of social decorum and contemporary courting, I figured, why the hell not! Let's begin with an encouraging story of a man who wasn't too much of a chicken shit to just be frank with a woman.

THE SCENARIO:

For my 2Xth birthday, my friend, her husband, and his cousins planned to go to the Staples Center to see the LA Kings fight the Boston Bruins (though I felt like most of it was akin to some WWE show, with several staged "fists in your face" moments and complete with half nude women unnecessarily cleaning the shaved ice off the rink every eight minutes).

If any of you have been to the Staples Center for a game like this, you know that the crowds on the surrounding sidewalks can become quite large before and after the game. As we were leaving, I was feeling drowsy from the temperature change between the indoor rink and the mild January day (yes, I'm a Capricorn, not counting the crazy new adjustments to the Zodiac), and somewhat overwhelmed from the mass horde of people bustling about.

Suddenly a man reaches out his hand to shake mine. I'm tired. Slow to react, I accept his hand and am prepared for what I thought would be someone asking me for money or something (as often is the case in L.A.) I was, however, completely thrown off guard and stunned when he said...

THE LINE:


SCG: "You have got to be one of the most beautiful women I have seen, don't let anyone ever make you think otherwise!"

Me: Hooold on here, he didn't ask me for money?! Is this man just fucking with me? Did he just hop out of the bushes, where did this guy come from!?

And before I even have a chance to appropriately react with a smile, thank you, ANYTHING, he quickly adds...

SCG: "But, you probably wouldn't be interested in someone like me."

And just like that, he and his friends slipped away into the crowd.
.
.
.

I was left bewildered on the sidewalk, my mouth ajar and my eyebrows bent, asking myself, "What the hell just happened? Did my friends just hear that?!"
Now, I'd like to assume the best in people and therefore I am inclined to think that this guy wasn't completing some cruel dare with his friends where he had to find the ugliest looking chick out there to say this to. (Hey, we all have our sexy and less-than-sexy days, and I'm okay with that!) That being said, this was probably one of the most flattering and best deliveries of a pick-up line I've ever been served. AND, he was pretty cute!


Whoever you are, your candidness and compliment did not go unappreciated. Shit, with balls like that, I most likely would have accepted an offer to grab a coffee or a beer sometime, dammit!
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:

Sabotaging yourself with negative thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I oughtta freakin' smack you.

Bus Guy #1: Superstar Cellphone Salesman

So after that blind date, there were times throughout the rest of high school and college that friends tried to set me up with various guys. Not quite blind dates, but "meetings" in groups of friends, I guess you can say. Thankfully nothing was ever as horrific as the Denny's dud.

Moving on though...
Since this week is pretty hectic with work and I don't anticipate any major developments OR returns to the library, I'll share some of the nuggets of joy from my first several months in Los Angeles.

Today's story...Bus Guy: Superstar Cellphone Salesman


THE SCENARIO:

It was my third week in L.A. and I was taking the bus on a Friday afternoon to work. The bus I took at that hour, as usual, was pretty packed so I went and sat in the last seat in the back. All of a sudden I notice some commotion to my side, but do not think anything of it.

Suddenly a man sits down beside me, after having asked two other men to switch seats with him.

Superstar Cellphone Salesman: "Türkçe biliyor musunuz?"

I lean over and politely ask..."Excuse me?"

SCS: "Türkçe biliyor musunuz?"

Me: "I'm sorry, I only speak English and Spanish. Lo siento, pero solamente hablo inglés y español."

Well, he continues to chat it up with me, and at first I don't mind because I'm not a person who purposefully tries to pretend nobody exists on the bus. He asks me where I'm from, what my ethnicity is (this will be a common theme), tells me how much I look like a Persian or Turkish girl. I tell him that I'm from the east coast, but just moved here. I ask him what he's doing here, and how long he has been here, and he tells me that he sells cellphones and came to L.A. a year ago.

It wasn't so bad until he asked me to take my sunglasses off...

SCS: "Oh your eyes seem so gorgeous! Can you take your sunglasses off so I can see them better?"

Now I was getting a bit creeped out. It was that kind of sweet compliment that is like how diet coke tastes (which I hate!). Fake, plasticky, too sweet and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

THE LINE:

As if the sunglasses/eyes comment wasnt' enough, he leans over, invading my space, flexes his eyebrow and tells me in his best sexy voice...
SCS: "You know, I am really a superstar from Turkey who is selling cellphones in L.A. as a way to hide from the paparazzi."

Oookay! That's wonderful, but you're still not getting into my pants!

Then he asked me if he could see me again. At this moment, I tell him I have a long-term boyfriend (which I did at the time...geez, I'm not that much of a bitch!), so no, we won't be seeing each other any time soon.
He responds and says something along the lines of:
"Oh, that is wonderful. Love is wonderful. I respect that."

However, he continues to ask me for my phone number, my email, my facebook page...anything! Ugh. The worst thing about it was that we both were getting off at the same stop, so I had to endure 30+ minutes of him breathing down my neck (only for those of you who don't live in L.A. that's about 3 miles on the bus).

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Even if you are famous, you can still be creepy.

Blast from the Past: Denny's Dud

So another thing that prompted me to start this blog was the discovery of this fine corner of the web: http://myveryworstdate.com/

It got me thinking about how much dating can suck, but how funny it can be in hindsight...thus the reasoning behind my sharing it all in the open rather than keeping it in a private journal. Where would the fun be with that?!?

Anyways, since today was a pretty relaxing day off from the normal routine, I thought I'd share a blast from the past, just to help put us all on the same page.

Basically it was the blind date from hell, and even though it happened in my home town, it is an event that convinced me to never go on another blind date again...ever. To this day, I'm still not really open to blind dating.

THE SCENARIO:

When I was a senior in high school I decided to go on a blind date with a guy from a local college. He sounded interesting and nice, we were both into similar kinds of music, among other things. Granted, I was too young to go to most places after hours, but he insisted on hanging out rather late in the evening, around 10pm.

I had plans to spend the night at a friend's place after because a group of us girls were going to the beach the next day. Since this was a blind date, I let them know what was up and kept them posted about where I was going, just in case.

Now, I knew we didn't have a lot of options in a small city, late in the evening, when I was still under 21. Granted, I figured at least a movie could have been halfway decent.
Nope.

The asshole decided to take me to Denny's.

When we got there, it turns out my girlfriends decided to surprise me and were already there to scope this guy out. When the waitress came, he said he had already eaten and wasn't hungry.
Yeah, I was just as puzzled. What was he thinking when he invited me out?

Feeling sorry for the waitress, I ordered a hot chocolate and figured we'd chat over a drink.
Though, when he realized that my friends were sitting off in the corner, he got really offended and angry, to the point where he got up and left, leaving me to pay for the bill and go home with my friends!!

About a week later, the guy messaged me on AIM and right away started bitching and interrogating me about why I didn't call him back. Yeah...okay. Rather than put up with his crazy bullshit, I blocked him immediately. Go whine to someone else you freak!

Well, as it turned out, a couple years later I was online and changed some of my settings, deleting my block list by accident. Right away, I got a message from him, still fuming about the heinous date years ago, even though at this point, I had tried to block him from my memory, so it took me a while to even remember who he was!

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Some people are just fucking crazy.

Symphony Guy

I meant to go to sleep a couple hours ago, but I was inspired today to make a blog about being a twenty-something, currently single, woman in Los Angeles. Be sure to expect a winning combination with this...sex, food and public transportation (and in various combinations!) ;) Perhaps so titillating that I will be signed for the next reality TV show? (Hah, I'm only kidding, I don't even have TV reception...but I do live in a region that produces people like the Octomom...)

Anyways, my inspiration was a result of me chatting with my roommate about a terrible pick up line I received this evening in the library, of all places!


THE SCENARIO:

I go running into the library as a guy is exiting. He immediately turns around and head back in. I don't think anything of it, but in retrospect, I thought he had forgotten to find a book he needed. Two minutes later, he strategically places himself next to me in the stacks.

Me: Looking frantically for a magazine I couldn't find with time running out before the library closed.

Guy: "Oh, hello, how are you doing? What are you reading?"

Me: Irritated on the inside because I'm in a hurry but manage to keep a friendly demeanor... "Oh, just X magazine, but it's not here."

He continued to try and chat with me at a full volume speaking level. I then become annoyed because, personally, I think it's rude to do in a library. I can tell he is beating around the bush, asking me odd ball questions but trying to invite me to see the L.A. Phil with him. I tell him I am really busy and haven't made a show yet, but plan to in the future, though not any time soon. So then, the guy, we'll call him "Symphony Guy," asks me how could I be so busy?


THE PICK-UP LINE:

Symphony Guy: "Oh, well you look Mexican. What's your heritage? I know Mexicans start families at a really young age. Do you have kids? No? Oh, then you must not be too busy then."

I think this was the first time I've had a racist comment thrown in with a pick-up line. And this guy wonders why I hurried off to hide in the photo copy room?!

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Racism, or even a slight sense of bigotry does not equal sexy.